On musicians

Fans of a solo artist on solo artist’s live concert when the band are introduced:

Guitarist: Oh guitarists are like rock stars, aren’t they? Right there in front of the stage! Great stuff! *fervent applause*

Pianist: Oh I know what a piano sounds like! Great! *applause applause*

Bass player: Well, they’re quite close to the guitarist, so that’s something to consider. *polite applause*

Drummer: Ok so you’re on stage too *clap*

On legware

As we know, women are to wear stockings or tights to a formal do. Said legware is to match one’s skin tone and be whispery sheer so that it gives the illusion of bare legs.

Let us assume you manage to locate a pair that actually does match your skin tone in its whispery sheerness. You must now try and put them on and wear them for several hours without running the tiniest tear.

Things that can tear your illusion include but are certainly not limited to:

  • taking the pair out of their box
  • rolling the pair out to their full length
  • gathering the leg of the stocking to the toe
  • slipping your toes into the stocking
  • pulling the stocking up
  • adjusting the up-pulled stocking
  • having feet covered in skin instead of porcelain
  • having hand covered in skin instead of porcelain
  • having toenails
  • having fingernails
  • walking without shoes
  • wearing shoes
  • any and all jewellery within a two-feet radius

and of course

  • coming into contact with a cat at any point of the stocking handling and wearing process


Running even the tiniest tear would ruin the illusion of bare legs and be all in all scandalous and embarrassing, so you must always purchase at least one spare pair to keep in your purse, along with silk gloves, a pumice stone, and foot lotion.

You know what also look remarkably like bare legs? Actual bare legs. Just saying.

(True Colours Brut cava. I like the concept, I like the bottle, I like the wine.)

On the toilet seat dilemma

Hear ye, hear ye. As this matter is still, inexplicably, a cause of much conflict and confusion, I will now solve it for yous.

Everyone lifts whatever they need to lift before doing their business.Everyone puts down everything put-downable before flushing, and leaves it down. There. Sorted.

On dicks and cunts – sociolinguistic ponderings

Ok, so there is a considerable number of women who say that calling someone a cunt is hugely misogynistic. As someone who identifies as a feminist, I would like to ask why? Honest question. It could well be that as a non-native user of English there are factors at play that I cannot grasp, but… We call unbearable idiots dicks too – why not cunts?

Also – and this, for me, is a far more interesting question – why do we call people we can’t stand dicks or cunts in the first place? As far as I’ve understood, most people really enjoy dicks and/or cunts.

On the number of cats

An observation, rather than a gripe. A typical exchange with a new person in the “casual questions” part of the conversation:

Person: So do you have any pets?

Me: Yes, we have cats.

Person: Oh, how many?

Me: Four.

Person: (raises eyebrows) Oh wow!

During my life, I have owned (ok, been owned by) one, two, and four cats at a time. Summary of reactions: If you have a cat, it’s a normal occurrence and people will ask if it’s a pedigree cat and/or what its name is. If you have two, it’s a normal occurrence (for people categorised as “cat people”) and people will ask if they’re pedigree cats and/or what their names are. If you have four, people will raise their eyebrows, say “oh wow!” and cannot think of anything to ask.

I have theorised that the thinking goes:

one cat: a normal person

two cats: definitely a “cat person”

three cats: okay, very much a “cat person”

four cats: a cat person who has simply lost control of an obsession and can no longer be considered a fully-functional adult with any self-discipline