Not changing underwear – I have no gripes about that – but Change underwear. As in the brand name.

Now that we have that sorted out, let’s take a sip of Steininger Riesling (my very lasting love, it appears) and gripe. Firstly. Change. Your vanity sizing. Stop.

Change have this thing where if you are, say, a 80C (about 80cm below-boob, average-ishly boobed), you’d use a 70E Change bra. The reasoning is that the band should be very snug when you buy the bra, and as the band size goes down, cup size, of course, needs to increase. And right they are. They are! But because bra sizes are one of those sensible sizing systems that depend on something real – your actual measurements – how about you simply produce the bra in “70E” and slap a 80C label on it, because that’s the generally agreed upon size of the person who should be buying it. It would make much more sense. Plus, it’s nothing short of ridiculous that I, who am not particularly boobilicous, own E and F cup bras. Seriously, my VLSO snorted when I told him. Snorted, Change.

Ditto for your knickers size chart, Change. My Change knickers are 2-3 sizes smaller than in any other brand. Oh the vanity.

But, back to bras – and this is a big gripe. Change bras are fantastically noisy. The underwires creak, squeak, screech, and grind as I move. It might be related to the super-snug sizing: the poor thing is groaning under pressure. Whatever the reason, you have to get that shit under control, Change. While I’m not bothered about someone seeing a bra strap, they should definitely not need to hear my underwear.