On legware

As we know, women are to wear stockings or tights to a formal do. Said legware is to match one’s skin tone and be whispery sheer so that it gives the illusion of bare legs.

Let us assume you manage to locate a pair that actually does match your skin tone in its whispery sheerness. You must now try and put them on and wear them for several hours without running the tiniest tear.

Things that can tear your illusion include but are certainly not limited to:

  • taking the pair out of their box
  • rolling the pair out to their full length
  • gathering the leg of the stocking to the toe
  • slipping your toes into the stocking
  • pulling the stocking up
  • adjusting the up-pulled stocking
  • having feet covered in skin instead of porcelain
  • having hand covered in skin instead of porcelain
  • having toenails
  • having fingernails
  • walking without shoes
  • wearing shoes
  • any and all jewellery within a two-feet radius

and of course

  • coming into contact with a cat at any point of the stocking handling and wearing process


Running even the tiniest tear would ruin the illusion of bare legs and be all in all scandalous and embarrassing, so you must always purchase at least one spare pair to keep in your purse, along with silk gloves, a pumice stone, and foot lotion.

You know what also look remarkably like bare legs? Actual bare legs. Just saying.

(True Colours Brut cava. I like the concept, I like the bottle, I like the wine.)

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